There are times in our life that we feel mentally strong and resilient and able to cope well with life stresses and curve balls.
Yet sometimes, without realising it we can drift into a mindset where we find it really difficult to cope, adjust to life changes and to deal with even the smallest stresses and struggle to handle our emotions, the softer ones that feel unfamiliar. They feel strange and uncomfortable and make you feel threatened because they make you feel weak and vulnerable. This creates anxiety, which leads to the Fight/Flight/Freeze system kicking into action and we become hyper-alert, paranoid and constantly looking for threats in everything and everyone.
Not only is this exhausting, it becomes a vicious cycle, a self fulfilling prophecy and you feel out of control, which overtime breeds a sense of hopelessness and a loss of identity. Many turn to alcohol and/or drugs to calm the racing mind and the growing storm of negativity that becomes all consuming.
Eventually some reach the point of defeat and make that horrendous decision to end the emotional, psychological and physical pain.
Yet that blinkered perception can be avoided, reversed, and ironically some of the people I’ve helped have found the bright light of humour in their darkest hour. One veteran told me in a session that he had “planned his death to within an inch of it’s life”, thank you Sean for that wonderful paradox.
In essence we become hostages to our own emotions, yet it is us that creates our emotions in the moment, they are a chemical cocktail created in our brains based on our perception, mood and feelings at the time and previous experience.
We have the ability to change that, our brains have that capability, you just need to learn how to harness the power of your brain and mind and use it to your advantage.
There is a common misconception, confusion that we can only control everything outside of ourselves and that we have little control of ourselves. it is the opposite that is true and this perception of a lack of control takes us right back to anxiety, a fear of being out of control. Ironically the more we try to control what we have no control of, the more anxious we get and the more we try to control it. It is the gift that keeps on giving.
There is an old Cherokee proverb that you may have heard of that says:
“A grandfather is teaching his grandson about life and says to him “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil–he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”
He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you–and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
First Lesson: The Fight is Eternal
The first part of the story is telling us that we can never get rid of the first wolf, the first wolf will always be there. The fight between two wolves is eternal.
Both wolves will always be there. This applies to our emotions, behaviours, habits, and every other aspect of our life.
I used to fall into the trap of trying hard to banish the negative side of myself. I would force myself to eat 100% healthy all the time, beat myself up for relaxing even for just a minute, and tried to get rid of those negative thoughts in my head.
The truth is that none of us is living in pure bliss. What we can do is act in spite of those negative feelings or hard times. We can take those fears, those worries, those doubts and move forward anyway. That’s how you feed the second wolf.
- Feeling unmotivated to workout, workout anyway.
- Not feeling confident in your upcoming sales presentation, do it anyway.
- Not happy with your spouse, show him/her your love
Imagine if we’re paralysed by the first wolf, by doing nothing, accomplishing nothing, and getting nowhere. We’d lose the momentum to move forward and indirectly we’d be feeding the evil wolf!
Besides, what will you be doing by telling yourself you haven’t accomplished anything? How will you feel when you get nothing done all the time? You won’t just stop at where you are; you’ll be moving backward! And the evil wolf will get stronger day by day.
Small Actions Build Momentum
Now, start telling yourself you’re worthy, begin to believe in your ability and act in spite of fears and doubts, in spite of constraints and challenges. One step forward will always be a step ahead even it’s tiny.
Instead of doubting yourself and doing nothing, you can try to learn new things and expand yourself at a slower pace. Instead of focusing on the fears within, start with ONE thing you should (and could) do that is right in front of you.
- Want to lose 100 pounds and achieve your fitness goals? Start by walking for 15 minutes a day if you haven’t yet. Then start learning squats and maybe push-ups with your body weight and make slow progress from there.
- Want to build a community with a vast audience? Focus on delivering quality content, and start building ONE audience at a time. Provide value to ONE person at a time and grow your audience from there.
- Want to start a business? Start by validating your idea and find one customer. Then optimise your product and offering from there.
Start Feeding The Right Wolf
One truth to remember is that it’s so much easier to feed the first wolf — the first wolf is there to encourage the easier options in life. It’s easier to complain, procrastinate, dismiss, ignore, and give up.
There is almost no effort required to do those things, and you’re getting the reward with the sensation of relieving and instant gratification without much an action.
The second wolf is very different; it’s picky, it’s harder to feed. It’s challenging, tiring and time-consuming to do things like learning, teaching, inspiring, sharing or simply sticking to a new behaviour. These things take so much energy, effort, momentum, and guts. And you don’t usually see immediate results from them.
Which wolf you choose to feed will define who you are, and we all know we should feed the second wolf — even if it’s harder. Feeding the second wolf is how we end up feeling a sense of accomplishment and success at the end of the day.
By conquering the temptation of the first wolf we opt for a much more challenging (but right) option in life.
Feeding Both Wolves
In the Cherokee world, however, there’s another version of the story and it ends this way.
The old Cherokee simply replied, “If you feed them right, they both win.” and the story goes on:
“You see, if I only choose to feed the white wolf, the black one will be hiding around every corner waiting for me to become distracted or weak and jump to get the attention he craves. He will always be angry and will always fight the white wolf.”
“But if I acknowledge him, he is happy and the white wolf is happy and we all win. For the black wolf has many qualities — tenacity, courage, fearlessness, strong-willed and great strategic thinking – that I have need of at times. These are the very things the white wolf lacks. But the white wolf has compassion, caring, strength and the ability to recognise what is in the best interest of all.”
“You see, son, the white wolf needs the black wolf at his side. To feed only one would starve the other and they will become uncontrollable. To feed and care for both means they will serve you well and do nothing that is not a part of something greater, something good, something of life.”
“Feed them both and there will be no more internal struggle for your attention. And when there is no battle inside, you can listen to the voices of deeper knowledge that will guide you in choosing what is right in every circumstance.”
“Peace, my son, is the Cherokee mission in life. A person who has peace inside has everything. A person who is pulled apart by the war inside them has nothing.”
“How you choose to interact with the opposing forces within you will determine your life. Starve one or the other or guide them both.”
The Immediate Care Process helps you to do exactly this, feed both wolves, and by doing so maintains the necessary balance with your mind and body to achieve what you need in your life.
The book is available on Amazon by clicking on the image below: