Reframing Your Resolutions for Success


strength-doesnt-come-from-what-you-can-do
Have you ever been your own worst critic, especially at this time of year when it comes to your new years resolution about losing that fat that’s crept up on you and got you in that immovable bear hug? How many times have you made that same resolution, made some progress then got distracted, injured, fed up, pissed of, bored, confused with all the hype and bullshit out there and then completely de-motivated?

Trying harder is often not the solution. Making resolutions from a place of mixed emotions such as guilt, shame etc, and from a state of confusion will always end in failure. The way to make a resolution that will actually work is to let all that negative shit go for a while and work on forgiving yourself for being where you are and accepting you for who you are right now. Once you reach this point you can dive back in to pursuing what you desire for yourself. But if you want to succeed, it has to come from a place of compassion.

I don’t like using the word goal these days, it’s far too corporate, clinical and not particularly motivating. I much prefer the word desire. When you focus in what you desire it generates very different emotions, feelings and thought processes and these are much more capable of developing the behaviours and habits that will get you tow what you desire.

Now I am very well aware that this may be a completely alien concept to you and that you may feel that this is easier said than done. Finding self-compassion can be quite a challenge at first, particularly if you are used to kicking your own arse when you don’t achieve what it is your set yourself, and the idea of forgiving yourself for being in the same situation time after time seems ridiculous. Yet while it might take a lot more self-reflection and exploration than counting calories and drinking green juices, compassion and forgiveness are the hidden keys to successful achievement in any area of your life. Here’s a few top tips.

1. Be compassionate towards yourself and find acceptance of where you’re at.
Begin by identifying the area where you’re stuck or dissatisfied in your life and approach it with compassion. This step can be difficult for people who feel sure that shame about their weight was the only thing standing in the way of gaining more weight.

It takes a lot of courage, patience, and self-reflection to release and reframe the belief that self-shaming is helping you stay in control. If you’re struggle with this, I strongly encourage you to honestly examine how that tactic has worked for you so far. Has it really helped you reach your desired result? If your answer is no, then are you ready to try something new?

2. Cut yourself some slack and forgive yourself.
Once you’re able to embrace compassion instead of shame, it’s time for the most important step: Explore ways that you can reframe your situation and forgive yourself for being where you are right now. While reframing looks different for everyone, it can sometimes be painful and anchored with emotional baggage. Be prepared to face your demons and don’t be afraid to reach out for support during this phase.

Reframing in this context requires two things: acceptance of the objective facts and willingness to subjectively reframe those facts in a more self-loving way. People often think they’re accepting the facts when they apply guilt and shame for where they’re at, but they’re not.

First of all be crystal clear about the actual facts. Separate your subjective stories (for instance, “I’m lazy and need to get in shape”) from the facts (“This is my body today”) and work to accept the literal truth of where you are. Don’t be surprised if your objective list is short: You are here, in this body, right now. Try looking in the mirror every morning and repeating to yourself, “This is what I look like today.”

You also need to reframe the subjective stories you tell yourself about how you got here, why you’re here, and what that means about who you are. The story you’ve believed so far is entirely subjective, it is just the reality that you’ve created to justify it to yourself, and must be rewritten to be kinder and more self-loving. It can be helpful to talk to people who love you. Tell them what you’re working on reframing and ask for their help.

3. Ask yourself, “What if this were a gift?”
I know this sounds completely mad, how could an extra 20 pounds be a gift? Bear with me here for a moment as you search for the gift in your struggle. You might be surprised to find that staying stuck has protected you from something you weren’t yet ready to handle, or that the change you’ve been trying to make actually goes against one of your highest values. Do you know what your core values are? Check out my free PDF that will take you step by step through the process of figuring them out.

How To Achieve Your Desired Goals

How to Feel Great Even When You’ve Gained Weight
After weeks of contemplation and journaling, a client of mine came to me one day with an answer to that question. She told me that the extra weight she carried protected her from unwanted male attention, and that she was absolutely terrified of what would happen if she lost it and became (in her words) “traditionally attractive.” She also said that other women saw her as non-threatening, because she wasn’t skinny. The weight had helped attract a great number of kind and supportive women into her life. In short, those 20 pounds truly were a gift, and her subconscious was reluctant to part with them.

This is how rewriting your personal story gives you the opportunity to forgive yourself. Mt client began to see that no matter how hard she tried to lose weight, she was always going to fail, because she valued safety and connection too highly.

No matter what your guilt ridden resolution might be, I assure you there is a very good reason you haven’t accomplished it, yet. There always is. Once you find that reason, you will also find compassion and forgiveness and be able to see what really needs to be done in order to move forward. For my client, that work meant learning to feel comfortable and safe in her own skin, healing from an old trauma that made her believe male attention was dangerous, and trusting that losing weight wouldn’t drive away the female connections she valued so deeply.

Compassion and forgiveness aren’t only useful for getting you unstuck; you can also use them to help you set goals from the get-go. Ask yourself what gift your habit has been and offer yourself a replacement before attempting your goal.

Take smoking as an example. If smoking offers you stress relief and common ground with friends, you’re going to need to adopt some new habits to fight stress and social awkwardness before your subconscious will let go of smoking.

By goal-setting from a place of compassion, forgiveness, acceptance and understanding, you’ll be armed with the right tools that you need to actually succeed and achieve what you desire.

If you’re still struggling with reframing then by all means get in touch with me and we can figure it out together, just drop me an email on simon@simonmaryan.com to arrange a time.

Simon

When Life is Abruptly Put into Perspective.


strength-doesnt-come-from-what-you-can-do

Life has a strange way of shaking you up sometimes and not necessarily by directly affecting you but through family and friends.

The last 24 hours have reminded me of how fragile we as human beings can be at times. I’m not going to go into specific details here because that’s not appropriate, what I will say is that all is never lost. Even in what may feel like the deepest, darkest moment of your life there are people who want to help you, all you have to do is reach out and grab there hand and talk to them. You don’t even have to talk about the shit that is dragging you down, just talk to them, let them help you because they care about you.

Recent events have shaken me despite everything I know and what I do for a living and what I am reassured by is the old boy network and how hugely efficient it can be when combined with social media, because last night it helped save a life. It was awesome to see a group of people, friends from all walks of life, from all round the UK and abroad rally round and do everything they could to help a friend in need.

The other thing I want to say is if you have the feeling that someone you know and care about is in a bad way and may do the thing you fear the most and take their own life, make a call to organisations that can help and that includes dialling 999. This is ultimately what happened last night and they thankfully got their in the nick of time.

I’ve had a massive rethink about my business in the last few hours and the ways I can offer it to people and today, I will be making some significant changes so that my services are much more accessible to the people who really need my help.

Every day’s a school day and I’ve learnt a few very valuable lessons and for that I am extremely grateful.

So, look out for your friends and family, never dismiss other peeps feelings no matter how alien they are to you or uncomfortable they may make you feel and take action even if the person you help feels pissed off with you for a while.

You may just save a life.

Big hugs

Simon

Life Design


For a long time I thought I was happy with my job, I was doing what I’d set to do in joining the Royal Marines. I worked with like-minded people, got paid to stay exceptionally fit, got fed four times a day and was provided with a roof over my head. The trade-off was that I was expected to do what I was told do whether I liked it or not and, some of the things I was asked to do I really didn’t like. However I was still happy living my dream.

Or so I thought.

Continue reading Life Design

Keys To Successful Fatloss Part 2: Self Perception


Present Moment Awareness


During a far flung conflict, a man is captured by the enemy and thrown into a prison camp. That night he is unable to sleep because of his fears that the next day he will be interrogated, tortured, and executed. Then he remembers the words of his instructors as they flood back into his mind,

“Tomorrow is not real. It is just an illusion. The only reality is now.”

Tacking notice of these words as they ring through his mind, he sighs and feels a sense of peaceful relief in that moment and falls asleep.

Brain2Body Lifestyle Nutrition & Exercise Manual – 2nd Edition coming soon!!


brain2body-cover

I have been working on the 2nd edition of my Lifestyle Nutrition and Exercise Manual, with the main focus having been on updating the supplements section later on in the book. This now emphasises health supplementation as opposed to more sports based supplements in the 1st edition and this update is based heavily on my research into this form of supplementation.

Having health issues myself, I have wanted to find ways to enhance my bodies’ ability to recover, repair and regenerate and what I found really made me smile, and feel good. So, I am almost ready to get this new version published and I will keep you all posted when it is ready.

Thanks again to everyone who bought the 1st edition and I am confident that you will find this new edition enlightening as well.

Simon

A change in cultural ethos, how can we do it?


I was having dinner last night with a couple of friends last night who are former colleagues from the Royal Marines and we were discussing the unfortunate news that a man had fallen from a platform in the North Sea off the coast of Shetland and sadly died.

Very little was mentioned about this other than briefly in the news and the paper and that was it. Nothing is really done to show a mark of respect ion the Oil and Gas industry for a fallen comrade and this often appears to be the case.

The conversation flowed into how markedly different the ethos is on the Royal Marines and in fact throughout the UK military. When one of our own dies, flags are flown at half mast, there is a minutes silence and if they die in combat overseas then a reception party is gathered that incorporates all services to receive the coffin back to the UK. All inter-service rivalry is put to one side as we collectively mourn the loss of, One of Our Own.

It is a shame that this ethos does not often carry across and we felt that this is something that is worthy of incorporating into any industry as it is something that develops and nurtures team work, esprit de corps and shows compassion and care for another human being, regardless of whether you know them or not. Companies would do well to integrate this into their way of being as this sends a very strong message to it’s employees and contractors that they actually care about the people who work for them.

Oil and gas and working on sites onshore and offshore can be extremely dangerous, regardless of what anyone says, it is an inherently dangerous environment that is managed and mitigated extremely well, just as the military does in operational theatres and sometimes bad shit happens despite all that is put in place.

So, how can we entice companies to adopt this caring element to their existing ethos and show an even deeper level of care and respect for those people who work for them.

A task for you is to spread the word, discuss it at work and find a way to bring about a change in culture, mindset and perception so that it is a natural course of action when the worst case does happen.

I leave it in your hands.

Have a fantastic weekend

Simon

Behavioural Flexibility and Adaptability


I’m in the midst of writing an article for the National Guild of Hypnotists publication, “The Journal of Hypnotism” on ‘Adaptability and Flexibility in Hypnosis’. This is something, as a practising hypnotherapist, I feel is an essential skill in order for me to give my very best to my patients/clients.

There is no one method, tool, technique works for everyone and as therapists, we must be aware of  what our clients present us with and how they respond to what we say and do as we figure out the most beneficial way to help them.

The same principal is true in every day life in how we interact with other people, not just in our verbal language but also in how we behave, our non-verbal communication which is much more telling most of the time than what we say.

Have you ever responded to someone else’s comments or behaviour in a way that either immediately or a bit later on you thought, “that didn’t quite go to plan”? Sometimes, because of the mood you were in i.e. grumpy, frustrated or angry etc you spoke, and/or behaved towards someone else from that mindset when they had absolutely nothing to do with it and they got the brunt of your mood.

It happens to all of us from time to time as it is part of being human and it most likely happens before you even realise it. When you’re in this frame of mind it can be difficult to remember that you have a choice in how you communicate with someone else as you are on a roll at that point, however it can be learnt like anything else.

Of course, equally you could be the one on the receiving end of it and it can be much easier at this point to behave differently and perhaps give them the benefit of the doubt, especially when you know you are not the cause of the other persons mood. By remaining calm and show a little care for the other person, it is quite possible that they will calm down quicker than they would have on their own, and certainly quicker than if you had retaliated in the same manner.

This is what I mean by having adaptability and flexibility in our behaviour. It allows us to make informed choices and make good decisions about how we can respond in any given situation and also to different people and their differing personalities. This doesn’t mean you roll over and become a soft touch that can be pushed around, what it does mean is that you can create positive solutions to many different situations that could, if handled in a less adaptable away lead to escalation, aggression and personal conflict.

This has become most evident for me with my kids who are 6 & 8. At their age they don’t necessarily understand why they feel the way they do and can get frustrated, angry and upset for no real apparent reason. This happens in particular when they are asked to do something and I’m pretty sure any of you that are parents will recognise this all too well. Now I realise that what I’m about to explain can’t realistically be used in the exact same way with adults, however you can adapt it to fit the circumstances you find yourself in.

What I do when my kids get angry and upset is continue to talk to them calmly and ask them what’s going on for them to feel the way they do right now. As I do this I ask them to take my hand and come and sit down with me, this gets compliance from the outset. If they won’t take my hand I ask them to come and sit down with me and if they won’t do that, I sit on the floor in front of them and hold their hands, at this point they just sit on my lap. If they are really upset and crying I look them in the eyes and get them to take a few deep breaths with me as I softly tell them to relax and calm down.

When I talk to them I explain, if they have not done what I originally asked them to do, why I got annoyed with them and ask them if they understand. I do not continue until they tell me that they do understand my reasons. If they are upset for no particular reason I ask them to tell how they feel, where they feel it and jut to let it go and give them a big hug. I tend to find that they sob their hearts out at this point and may not actually know at the end how or why they felt the way they did and they just feel better.

Now you understand why this won’t work with adults, I can’t imagine sitting with a client or a colleague on my lap with them sobbing into my shoulder, however, you can quite easily adapt this to fit your own style and the other persons to resolve a bad mood, confrontation or whatever is going on.

A simple way to help someone shift their mood and mindset is to change their posture. When we are in a bad mood, angry, annoyed, frustrated etc we adopt a certain posture which generally includes tensing muscles, clenching jaws among many other characteristics.

By talking to that person and mentioning how tense they look and making them aware of it can be a good start and then  lead them to take a deep breath and tell you what’s going on. Maybe even going for a coffee somewhere to do that so they can feel easier about talking in private, if they want to at all. Sometimes just showing a little compassion can make all the difference as they feel they are being heard and that someone else actually recognises them and the way they feel.

If they are up for it, go through a brief progressive muscle relaxation with them to help reduce tension and enable them to let that negative mood begin to slip away.

At the end of the day, if they turn round and tell you to Foxtrot Oscar, at least you have been kind enough to reach out and you can’t force it, they have to want to accept it. They may come back to you late anyway so give them the benefit of the doubt and leave it open.

Have a brilliant day.

Simon 🙂

P.S.

Chesterfield School in the UK have this really cool Behaviour for Learning Code poster which you can see below. We can all take something from this because every day’s a school day 😉

Image